blessednbabbling











{May 16, 2012}   Internal guilt

Mother’s Day.

A day that hasn’t been the same for me since 2005

that’s the year a very close friend of mine lost her mother.

and it seems as if every year (or every other year) since then someone else I know and love (friends and family alike) has lost their mom

Most recently,  my favorite painter

I spent half of this year’s Mother’s Day thinking about those two friends of mine.  Thinking about how they’d never again be able to do the very thing I was doing at that moment.  It made me cry

2005 was the year I stopped “publicly” celebrating Mother’s Day. Part of it was a conscious effort while some parts were unconscious. It was the year I stopped posting statuses and pictures leading up to the holiday. It was also the year I unconsciously stopped making Happy Mother’s Day calls to all the mothers I know.

At times I feel guilty that my mom is still here while the moms of people I know and love aren’t. I start internally asking myself questions about what makes me different from them. What is it about me that I got to keep my mom and they didn’t. Or, what is it about them that their mom gets to see God before mine does.

I’m very careful about mentioning  ANYthing regarding my mother to these friends. I feel as though saying anything about her is another reminder to them that theirs is gone.

Last year I lost my cousin.  She was the mother of two. I was visiting with the family and wanted my mom’s attention. I called out “mom” and immediately wanted to kick myself.  How dare I make it known that I still have a mother yet I was there to mourn with two people I love who had just lost theirs.  These were the thoughts running through my head as I grabbed a soda for myself, my mom and aunt.

What do you say to them on Mother’s Day? that they haven’t already heard?

2005 seems like a long time ago and just this past weekend I felt compelled to speak on  these feelings

I know and understand that I have no control over who dies and when. That has never been my job nor will it ever be my job. But,  that doesn’t change my feelings. I am human you know.

I did a video blog about this thinking it would be easier to get my words out that way. Wrong.  I cried through pretty much the entire video.

Will these feelings ever go away? I don’t know, they stay buried in the back of my mind and come to the forefront on Mother’s Day or whenever I hear that someone I know has lost their mother.



{February 19, 2012}   Whitney Houston

I was wondering what I’d blog about next b/c I was really at a loss for a topic.

And then Whitney Houston died.

I found out while I was at a homecoming basketball game . My best friend tapped me and told me. I didn’t believe him and told him to get off Twitter b/c they love to kill off celebs. But he said he was on CNN and you know that when CNN reports something it’s real. A mutual friend said that he’d seen it on CNN too.

I called my other best friend and she screamed at me through the phone. She didn’t believe me but I told her to go to CNN. She told me she’d email me and hung up.

I’d said that I wasn’t going to blog about her death b/c every other blogger was doing so.

But I changed my mind

There’s really not much about her that I can say that hasn’t already been said. You know, how great of an actress and singer she was.  Her life as a wife and mother. Her ups and downs and lastly, her impact on music as a whole. It’s all been said in one form or another. I will just add that I think she had one the prettiest smiles ever and such pretty teeth.

A friend of mine said something I hate that I can’t remember verbatim. It was about how a lot of people’s favorite Whitney Houston songs were remakes. (Greatest Love of All and I Will Always Love You).  She also mentioned how quite a few people (myself included) have forgotten about the originals.   I do know that Dolly Parton sang I Will Always Love You but I will admit that I have no idea who sang Greatest Love of All before she did. Whitney Houston made those songs her own

Some bloggers discussed who they felt was worthy of doing tributes to her.

Here is my dream list

  • Monica
  • Christina Aguilera
  • Jori
  • Tamar Davis
  •  Adele*
  • Mariah Carey
  • Celine Dion
  • Tamia
  • Chante Moore
  • My church/childhood friend Janae

It really doesn’t matter to me which songs of hers they sing though I’d prefer Monica sing You Give Good Love and Christina Aguilera sing Run to You. I’ve seen clips of them sing these songs on YouTube and they did wonderful jobs.

Jori has done snippets of  You Give Good Love and I Love the Lord. I want her to do the whole songs.

*Adele is still growing on me, very slowly I might add, but I think I’d want to hear her do a Whitney Houston classic.

The funeral service was beautiful. I cried so much my head was throbbing when it was over. I almost couldn’t take it when they lifted her casket in the air and carried her out to I Will Always Love You. This was when I learned that not only do I snort when I laugh hard but I also do it when I’m crying hard.

And now whenever I hear that song I will think she’s singing it in regards to her passing.

Everybody pretty much has that one song by her that will now bring tears to their eyes. I have 3 and this was before she died so imagine how I feel now when I hear them. Those three songs are Jesus Loves Me, the intro to I’m Every Woman and Joy to the World.

Someone tweeted me the link to her funeral program. 11 pages and on the last page is a letter her mother wrote to her. Read it here.

Whitney Houston has now joined that choir of legends entertaining God in Heaven. I hope she rests in peace.



My birthday is approaching, slowly but surely. Due to some heartbreaking circumstances I didn’t do very much (read: almost nothing) for my last two birthdays.

This year will be different.

Talking with TwinPisces (who shares a birthday with me, March 8) I decided on how I wanted to celebrate turning 27.

The party dates are March 9-10, 2012. (a Friday and Saturday)

Friday I was going to go to my favorite rapper’s restaurant Straits and end the night with a party in my hotel room. Saturday I said I was going to treat myself to some spa time.

Well, I learned that Luda is closing Straits so that he can open up and focus on Chicken ‘N Beer, his new restaurant located at Hartsfield-Jackson Airport. This sucked b/c I’ve never been to Straits and was banking on going for my birthday.

So of course I had to find an alternate restaurant. I thought of all the restaurants I’ve been to and the ones that really stood out to me. My heart settled on my favorite restaurant, Red Lobster. For some reason (that I don’t understand) the social networking world has deemed RL unworthy. Oh well, I STILL love it and will be dining there for my birthday.

Friday after dinner (exact RL location pending, stay tuned) I will be having a party of sorts in my hotel room (hotel pending, again stay tuned). I’ll only be staying one night at the hotel and on Saturday I’ll be treating myself to some much needed and deserved time at Spa Sydell (loc..you get the picture)

Guidelines (please read and understand each) :

1. EVERYBODY is responsible for their own meal at Red Lobster

2. EVERYBODY is welcome to rent their own hotel room if they’d like b/c NOBODY will be staying the night in mine.

3. Alcohol is welcome at the hotel but since I don’t drink I will not be providing ANY. I will have non-alcoholic drinks available (read: soda and water). However, if you choose to drink YOU are responsible for A) bringing your own alcohol and whatever you’ll need to go with it and B) your OWN way home (so if you need a DD bring them with you or just don’t drink. Or you could rent a room. It REALLY is that simple). If you choose to drink and NOT rent a room your SAFE way home is YOUR responsibility. Your drunk behind will NOT be staying the night with me. I love you but no.

4. If you’d like to join me at the spa you’re more than welcome to. Your treatment is your responsibility though .Go here for their prices.

*I will keep everyone posted about the hotel location so that anyone wanting to rent a room will be able to do so in a timely and hopefully inexpensive fashion.*

Hope to see y’all there!



{December 19, 2011}   ‘Til Death Did They Part

58 years. That is how long my great-grandparents had been married before Friday, Dec. 16, 2011. That is the day my great-grandmother was taken from me. She was 86. She’d had Alzheimer’s since 1999 and on March 8, 2007 (my birthday) we put her in a nursing home.

I was told that she’d died early Friday morning, a little after midnight. When I found out I thought about what it was that I was doing while she was taking her last few breaths. I was on Twitter talking about how I was going into my last day volunteering at the middle school.

When my mother told me I remember shaking my head and grabbing her as the tears fell. I believe the image of that moment will forever be somewhere in my head.  We went to eat shortly afterwards with my grandmother and great-grandfather. Well, they ate, I wasn’t hungry. Halfway through the meal my great-grandfather tells me that he has nothing else to live for. She was his world. He wears an old, dirt red colored picture of them when they were younger on a chain around his neck. He took it off and gave it to me telling me to keep it so that I could always keep them together. He told me to fix it up if I had to which meant get a new chain for it if need be. I promised him that I would.

Today, Sunday, we went to view Grandma Grace’s body. She looked good.

It was heartbreaking to be up there looking at my lifeless great-grandmother. But what was worse was watching her husband grab the edge of the casket as if he was unsure if it would’ve been okay to touch her. He and I both had begun to cry even before we’d walked into the room to see her body.

I wanted to scream upon seeing her but nothing came out. I only spoke a word of thanks to the lady who handed me some tissue. At the time I couldn’t put what I was feeling into words so I just stayed quiet.

I wanted to yell at her to wake up so we could go home. I wanted to kiss her with the hope that she’d open her eyes, start complaining and calling me Kissing Kate (the name she gave me b/c I was always kissing her).

I also wanted to shake the life back into her or at least breathe it into her nostrils which were wide open. But, my name is Ashley, not God.

Even in the state of having a lifeless body you could tell she was a well endowed woman. She is where I get my monsters from, as they’ve been called.  Her nails were long like mine yet unlike her daughter and granddaughter’s, so maybe I get that from her too. They had her hair nicely curled and her make-up was good although I did want to take some tissue and wipe just a bit of the lipstick off her lips. I studied her body as though I was being given a test on it later. I noticed a mark on the side of her face that I’d never seen before.

I’ve been close enough to touch the body of a dead loved one before but I’ve never wanted to, until today.  I touched her hands and the flower she was holding. It was real which kind of shocked me. I even touched her hair which is grayish-white.

I’ve experienced death before but there have only been 2 people close enough to me in lineage to where my opinion on the funeral arrangements would matter. The first was my daddy but of course I was way too young to understand the entire process of planning a funeral. This is the first time I’ve been asked my opinion on what the funeral program will look like, what they’ll be buried in, which pictures will be put in the program. I’ve even been asked to read a passage or two from the Bible.

This is also the first time I’ve heard the classic phrases people use when someone has died and they not be enough comfort for me. They normally work but not this time. I mean I appreciate them of course but this time they just weren’t enough.

I wanted her suffering to stop more than anything in the world. But I wanted it to stop while she was alive, here on Earth with me and the rest of us. That’s selfish I know and I have to keep telling myself that God is the only one who could give her the peace I badly wanted her to have. I also have to keep telling myself that Heaven is the only place she’s able to get it. Deep down I know these things but it doesn’t mean I don’t want her back.



{August 10, 2011}   I want a love like theirs

today (August 10,2011) marks 50+ years that my great-grandparents have been together. I hate that I can’t remember how many years exactly but I can tell you that they’ll be hitting the 60 year mark sooner than later though

Wesley and Grace Calhoun are their names

the movie The Notebook is a bit similar to the love my great-grandparents have for each other in that the last name of the couple in the movie is Calhoun (just like my great-grandparents), their love endured a lot (just like my g-grandparents) and the woman battled Alzheimer’s disease (so does my g-grandma).  I have no plans on seeing The Notebook though b/c it’s too similar to them. My mama has seen it and said watching it was like being told stories of the lives of my g-grandparents

My grandma Grace has had Alzheimer’s since Dec. of 1999 and has been in a nursing home since March 2008 (she actually went in on my birthday which made me feel some kind of way that year)

I don’t have any recent pictures of them together b/c I didn’t have a digital camera back then. I only have separates now

celebrating the birthday of my favorite 87 year old

kissing him

I’d prefer not to put a picture of her on here b/c I don’t like taking pictures of what Alzheimer’s disease has done to her physical state

I hate that this disease has morphed the lady who used to make me re-wash the dishes if I left them in the rack too long into a woman who no longer recognizes me.  The woman who used to call me Kissing Kate b/c I was always kissing her, the woman who enjoyed watching me cheer when she was in town. In the early stages she’d hear my voice and turn her head in the direction and acknowledge me that way.  My great-grandfather bought her this little talking cheerleader. If you press her tummy she cheers “we’re numb. 1, we can’t be numb. 2 b/c we’re gonna beat the whoopsie out of you” and he’d play it for her and she’d mumble my name.  When she could she’d squeeze the doll’s tummy and it was a representation of me.  She still has the doll but she’s no longer able to squeeze it let alone hold it in her hand.

I also hate what this disease has done to her husband’s soul, mind, spirit, etc. It’s heartbreaking to watch him learn to live without his life’s partner. He still loves her dearly, he will be the first to tell you that even though she’s in a nursing home he still has a wife. He still wears his ring and has a picture of them from the olden days on a chain worn around his neck.

It’s heartbreaking to watch him visit her and she  not even know that he’s there. that right there makes me cry b/c I know that it’s not her fault that she no longer knows him.  She’s just existing these days and it kills me to use the word “existing” instead of living but that’s the harsh reality we as a family are facing.

My g-grandfather has forgotten the actual date of his anniversary and how long he’s been married but he’ll never forget that he has a wife. and of course, she doesn’t remember. Back when he could remember we’d take a cake down to the nursing home and he’d celebrate with her and the nurses who take care of her.

I want a love like theirs one day. For them it REALLY is “til death do us part”



I got on Twitter during the afternoon the other day and ran right into what I called “rant hour”. These were positive rants though.

One was coming from a high school friend of mine (@tacobellshawty).  If you follow her and are NOT up to date on what’s going on in the world of politics her rant could’ve made you feel like shit. And if it did then her purpose for going in was served.

I know she was stepping on a few toes so I’m SURE there were people in her mentions defending their reasons behind not being into politics/not knowing what’s going on

I don’t have one of those fancy phones that some people use to screencap photos of dumb, funny, grammatically incorrect tweets so I favorited a lot of hers and my friends “copy and paste” will help me put them here for you to see.

*At least one of these tweets made me feel bad (not like shit, I just felt bad after seeing it) but my pride won’t let me fess up about which one it was*

Here they are:

All ur grandparents with ss and fixed income are not protected under Boehen’s plan.

During the time of her rant the POTUS (president of the United States for those of you who didn’t know) was tweeting the twitter handles of the Republican reps for each state.  No, wait, the fact that our POTUS was doing this caused her rant, I’m sorry.

His tweets about the reps in Georgia:

Live in GA? Have a Republican representative? Tweet them and ask them to support a bipartisan compromise to deficit reduction.

Georgia Republican reps on Twitter:@JackKingston(GA-1), @RepWestmoreland (GA-3), @RepTomPrice (GA-6), @AustinScottGA08 (GA-08) #compromise

After this she tweeted each of them individually to let them know that she’s a Ga voter and that she wanted them to support a bipartisan compromise to deficit reduction

Y’all not caring about what’s going on proves that we as young ppl and black ppl are still behind…rap and sports isn’t life

Football filled my timeline yesterday and 90% of you have no idea who your state senators are….that’s sad and ignorant <~ I THINK this was the first tweet of the rant

Y’all talkin bout snap backs, Jordans, an hoes! Fux that shyt!!! Thats not going to secure ur future.

Lower ur head in shame if u can’t name one of your house representatives but know everything about mike vick <~ she actually had a follower admit that this was true for them

Not knowing who your senators are is a sign of stupidity and ignorance and u will always be inferior

Out of all the ppl I follow which is 284 ppl only 15 of y’all follow @barackobama!!! ARE U FUXING SERIOUS! U GUYS ARE PEASANTS!! <~ I am one of those 15 people

Y’all will RT football shyt all day, GUESS WHAT..THESE FOOTBALL PLAYERS DON’’T CARE SHYT ABOUT U!

Why wouldn’t u want to follow the leader of ur country RT @stella_maris22 what if you know what’s going on but don’t want to follow him? <~ learning that a LOT of people feel this way

This next tweet is in response to a chick saying that not caring about politics doesn’t make her ignorant or stupid

Not being into politics and not knowing what’s going on is the most ignorant statement u can make. U pay taxes!!!!!!

He is still THE LEADER!!!! u still live in this country! RT @stella_maris22 he’s the elected leader but not the one I wanted <~ this made me wonder if this girl actually voted

When u have the power to vote, u have the power to control!!! EXERCISE YOUR POWER!

No one is going to care about u, if u dont care about urself!!!!!!! Not being into politics is not caring about urself.

We as a society are going to get manipulated and bamboozled everyday if u let someone do it. STAND UP!

the electoral college elects the president…. the house of representatives and senators hold the power!! CHECKS N BALANCES!

If the president held the power do u really think these issues would be going on…Barack is fighting for us!!! do u know his policies? 

BARACK HAS THE INTEREST OF THE PPL IN MIND…IF U DONT KNOW HIS POLICIES WHICH Y’ALL DONT, THEN U DONT KNOW WHAT HE IS TRYING TO DO

Y’all hear somebody say Barack ain’t shyt and dick ride it..this man saved the us auto industry..gave ppl insurance until they 26

everybody saying I don’t like Barack, I don’t like politics can’t name 1 policy he is trying to accomplish!! GUESS WHAT!! THEY ALL BENEFIT US!

Barack reformed credit cards, so y’all won’t get bamboozled by these companies, but u don’t care about politics

Barack gave u the ability to be on ur parents’ insurance until u are 26, but u don’t care about politics. How? <~ I’m currently unemployed which equals no insurance and I took advantage of this policy so thank you Pres. O. He’s the reason I got a new eye exam, glasses and contacts

I love how she tweets about him as if they’re old friends

He can’t stick to what he says if he doesn’t have support in the house!! CHECKS N BALANCES IS REAL PPL!! HE CANT DO SHYT WITHOUT UR SAY SO!!

YOUR SAY SO= UR LOCAL GOV’T OFFICIALS THAT SUPPORT HIS POLICIES! <~ to this I say, if you didn’t vote you have NO right to complain about the results of the election

his policies are policies for the little guy!!! if u dont understand this, u need to educate ur self. and fast!!!!

If our grandparents sat down the way that we are sitting down, we would still be under Jim Crow laws.

Mike Vick got his check….when u lose ur job, can’t get food stamps, unemployment, or health care…then u will care…I CARE NOW!

Our great grandparents got they ass beat, they were hung and were treated brutally for us to vote, and U don’t care about politics. How?

It’s real out here folks, u better start caring…ignoring the issues don’t make them disappear. <~ amen to that last part

I just want to slap some sense in y’all..our grandparents fought for us…I will not dishonor their legacy by not caring

If u don’t care about politics u don’t care about ur life. U pay taxes..u don’t care where the money goes? <~ I find it sad how so many tax payers have no idea where their money is going nor do they care

I don’t even have kids and I care more about ur kids education than u. That’s sad. <~ the school systems in Atlanta and surrounding areas are forever on the news about SOMETHING

I can only imagine what her mentions looked like while this was taking place

Hours after her rant I saw a tweet that said the official twitter acct. of our POTUS lost 37,000 followers b/c they felt he was “tweeting too much” today <~ smh

I’ll admit that I don’t talk politics with others that often, if at all, but that in NO way says that I’m not aware of what’s going on. I can also admit that I don’t know THAT much about it but I know enough to where if there is a political discussion I’m participating in my input doesn’t sound as if I have no idea what the hell I’m talking about

For half of the time she was doing this I was laughing.  But that’s b/c I know her in real life and I know how she is. She’s ratchet as all hell (and I love that about her) but when she’s passionate about something and feel others need to at least be aware she’ll let you know. This was one of those cases.

On a serious note though, I hope those who saw her tweets/this blog post will understand the importance of at least knowing what’s going on.  You don’t have to be so deep into politics to where that’s ALL you talk about but at least have an understanding of how the government and its policies will directly benefit you and know that if you feel that they don’t, your right to vote is your chance to speak on it.



{July 19, 2011}   Life as a 25 year old Virgin

This is, so far, the hardest piece I’ve ever written although I was SO sure it would be the easiest. It’s the complete opposite. How hard should it be for me to write about my life as a 25 year old virgin {{emphasis on the word “my”}}? It shouldn’t be hard at all, but *sigh* it is.

I’ve been a virgin my whole life but this year, well the months between my 25th birthday and my next one, I’ve actually embraced it and sort of, begun to flaunt it more. I’ve always been proud of this but I’ve also felt that {{esp. during my late high school, early college years}} a lot of women think I’m bragging about it. Some have even told me that I think I’m better than women who aren’t virgins by this age. Believe me, I don’t. My sister says that I am better because I’m waiting and they didn’t. Uhm, okay, but I just feel that they made a choice and I’m making one as well.

Being this age and still having my virginity is not as fun as it seems/looks. Aside from people constantly asking about what I do whenever I get horny or asking me whether or not I masturbate (neither of which are ANY of their business, by the way) you also have those who ask if I’m gay. {{And if you are one of THOSE, I’m not, have never been, never will be.}} Then there are those who try to figure out what it is about me that keeps me from getting a man that either wants it (and for the record I feel some kind of way about my virginity being referred to as “it” but anyway) or has enough game to convince me that they’re “the one”. Game won’t work on me, saying no, in this instance, comes naturally to me.

This, among other things, has made me keep this information to myself for so long. So, why be proud of it and talk about it now, you ask? For the first time in a long time I told someone about it and they responded a lot more positively than I expected. He actually called me an alien and I think by that he meant women like me don’t exist. But, we do, we’re just {{as I like to call us}} an “endangered species”. He told me I shouldn’t hide it or be ashamed of it. I agreed.

My best friend called me “pure” once and I laughed. But, he’s right.

I’ll admit that I get this “glad it’s not me” feeling when I hear of or see women who have had to deal with unexpected pregnancies, being judged for having a certain number of partners, etc. I unintentionally hurt some feelings when I asked my friend if she actually thought about what kind of father the man she was sleeping with would be if she were to get pregnant. She didn’t consider it and though she loves her son, she’s not very fond of his father. This feeling also comes when I see women who become attached to a man (or fall in love) ONLY because the sex is good.  Please take note that I’m not judging these women, I’m just “glad it’s not me”.

I also decided to be more “open” about it when I answered a twitter question about when was the last time I had sex. My answer shocked a high school friend of mine who then kind of put me on blast on twitter (in a good way though). She said that if I have sex before marriage I’d hurt her feelings, lol.  And then I answered a question from Raheem DeVaughn (who follows me) and said “still in possession of my virginity so I can’t say”. To my surprise he RT’d it to his followers which resulted in me getting mentions of how honorable that is and how proud these women (who don’t know me) are of me. I also got mentions telling me to keep it and that I might as well since I’ve waited this long. I even got one from another virgin who’s in her twenties and she said {{because I’m older than she is}} that I give her hope that it’s possible to continue to keep her virginity this far into her adulthood.

Another reason I don’t like telling people is because they think I’m lying. How am I supposed to prove something like that? Am I supposed to carry a doctor’s note that says “she’s been checked and I confirm that she’s still a virgin” and show it like it’s some kind of ID?  All I can tell you is to get confirmation from people who know me. A college friend said that if you talk to me long enough you’ll see that I’m telling the truth about being a virgin. I didn’t (and still don’t) get exactly what she meant by that but okay. And I hate being asked why I’ve waited this long? Does it really matter? I don’t think so but, if you MUST know, for the first 24 years I was on the “I’m waiting until marriage” train. I’m now on the “if the RIGHT man {{and ‘right’ by my standards alone}} comes along” train.

People and their misconceptions of what a virgin is supposed to look, think, and act like make me laugh. I’m supposed to be COMPLETELY clueless about sex and not participate in conversations on it. I’m also not supposed to be proud of having big boobs. Quote from a complete stranger who overheard me conversing with a friend “so what’s the purpose of you being heavy chested when no man has ever been able to enjoy them”. Really dude? That’s the ONLY thing my boobs are good for? I beg to differ. I’ve heard {{from friends}} that I do indeed have an inner freak and I’ve just now realized that they were right. But, I’m not supposed to have one because “you won’t know until you’ve actually had sex” right? I think that thought process is stupid. I’m the exact opposite of what I’m supposed to be as a virgin. I can’t speak on the specifics of sex but I can give you my thoughts on what I WANT to get from it. I’m guessing that big boobs and a large butt (which I don’t actually have, my butt is super small) are to magically appear the day I decide to lose my virginity? Yeah, that’s stupid as well. As far as the freak in me, am I not allowed to dream/think about what I want to happen in the bedroom? The worst thing that can happen with that is for me to at least try it and THEN discover that I don’t like it.

I enjoy living life free of the stresses/emotions/feelings that come along with sex. If I’m EVER to change my mind about it, it will be MY decision and no business of the rest of the world. I wish to not be judged on this decision because I didn’t judge others on the age they were when they decided to relinquish their virginity. That probably won’t happen but I can still hope. And despite being told that I will be unable to hide the fact that I’m no longer a virgin I will do my best to keep it a secret.



{July 18, 2011}   3 Years Old

*this is my most emotional piece yet, I cried myself to sleep  when I finished this piece. It was after 3am and I BADLY wanted to call somebody but I didn’t want to interrupt any of my friends’ sleep. I sobbed uncontrollably until sleep overtook me*

I looked at my desktop background (which is a picture of my 3 nieces) just now and realized that two of them are the age I was when my daddy (their granddaddy) passed away. That age is 3, my other niece is 5.

I think about their comprehension level and figure that I had that same level when I was that age. I think about how they look at me and probably believe that I’ll live forever because at 3 they don’t know any better.

They have yet to experience death. {{Well, the 5 year old has, she lost her grandmother last year}}

Which ultimately led me to believe that I had absolutely NO clue what was going on around me when my daddy died. I’ve heard stories about how I almost got left at the daycare and how I only cried because my mama and brother were crying. I’ve seen pictures too. But that doesn’t mean I understood what was going on.

I had no idea that the man I called daddy would be physically gone from me forever. I had no idea that from then on he’d only live in my heart and the hearts of those who knew him.

I can only imagine how my mother explained to me that I’d no longer be able to SEE my daddy and I often wonder what EXACTLY it was that she said to me. How did she start the conversation and when she asked me if I understood, what did I say? I’ve yet to ask these questions because I can’t bear to hear the answers. Maybe when I’m 30.

I look at the picture of my 5 year old niece and wonder would I have understood it a bit better had I been 5 instead of 3? Her level of comprehension is more advanced of course but she looks at me the same way the other two do, as if she’s sure that Auntie Ashley will be around forever.

So I know I looked at my daddy and was absolutely positive that he’d be around forever.

And now I’m starting to wonder what my mama said to me the first time I asked about my daddy after he’d been buried. Did she remind me of whatever talk we had during the days leading up to his funeral? Or did she simply re-explain the situation to me?

How many times did she actually have to explain the ENTIRE situation to me before I got to the point where I understood and stopped asking about him?

Thinking about these questions bring tears to my eyes and even wondering what answers I got to these questions bring them on.

But the last question I must ask myself is, how would I explain this to MY child if I had to?



{July 13, 2011}   Love and Hate Relationships

I have a love and hate relationship with quite a few of my personality traits. What amplifies these relationships is that these traits are here for an eternity, they’re not going ANYwhere no matter how many times I try to change. I’ve actually given up trying to change and will tell people who have issues with it, “You know me, or you say you do, you should know this is just how I am”

They are but aren’t limited to:

  • being overly emotional
  • being overly sensitive
  • my inability to get (and stay) mad
  • being too nice to the undeserving
  • caring too much
  • treating people the way I want to be treated
  • having detailed and intimate dreams

Now, don’t get me wrong, these are all WONDERFUL characteristics to have and I do love having them until I get overly emotional or too sensitive about something really petty or something NOBODY else would understand. Until I start hating how someone can hurt my feelings and within 24 hours I’ve forgiven them and gone back to loving them. Until people start taking advantage of my generosity, or when I can’t STOP caring about someone who has obviously stopped caring about me. Being nice and treating people the right way when they treat me like crap. Having these dreams and not being able to act on them for whatever reason.

And then I go back to loving these traits when I see that some people appreciate them.

It really is a never ending cycle.

So, in essence, I have a love/hate relationship with my personality. This is just who I am and though I don’t like it at times, I’ve accepted that I will never change.



{July 12, 2011}   the natural hair thing

*and no, I’m not debating ANYTHING in this post with ANYBODY*

this whole natural hair thing the black community has going on is starting to get on my nerves. Yeah, I said it.

I call my hair “natural” b/c EVERY strand on it, the grey ones included, is MINE and not store bought. (this is why you’ll see “chemical free” all through this post)

If you disagree, oh well. this is MY head, not yours

I’m tired of hearing the comparisons between women who have chemical free hair and those of us who don’t. Tired of hearing both sexes say how a chemical free haired woman will forever trump/look better than a woman who chooses to put chemicals in hers. If that’s your opinion, fine, feel free to speak it, just don’t act like your opinion on the matter is better than mine. It’s not. Different, yes, better, no

to the women whose chemical free hair is two different shades, what are you using to get it that way? Chemicals, right? *I could be wrong on this one and if I am, sorry*

and to be honest, I think a lot of women have gone chemical free b/c it’s the “thing” to do right now. If you aren’t one of these women, my hat goes off to you, I’ve heard how hard it is to start going chemical free and keep it that way

If you like women who have chemical free hair, fine, but DON’T put down women who choose to put chemicals in theirs.

If you are a woman who has chemical free hair, fine, but DON’T act as if you’re better than permed hair women b/c you don’t add chemicals to yours

I’m so tired of hearing “women who have chemical free hair can go out in the rain and not worry, yada yada yada”. I don’t worry about the rain b/c I have an umbrella and more often than not I’m wearing some type of jacket with a hood on it. I also carry, on days it might rain, those plastic caps that were popular back in the day. So trust, rain doesn’t bother me either.

I unwrapped my freshly permed hair and I must say it’s beautiful and I love it!! I love that it’s starting to grow, how I can it feel it on the back of my neck, see it sitting on my shoulders when I look in the mirror and how, when I do actually let someone get close enough to me, they run their fingers through it.

My hair has also been pulled and he enjoyed it

I’m also tired of hearing the “what’s natural vs. what’s not natural” debate

Yes, I THOUGHT about what I’d look like having chemical free hair and how much money I’d save from not having to pay to have it permed. Decided that it’s not my thing and will continue to get my perms

another thing that’s like a 5 out of 100 on the importance factor, I’ve seen, either in person or via a picture, less than 10 women who have made me say “her chemical free hair looks wonderful on her”.

*natural hair and all that it entails has now gone on my ever growing list of things I don’t talk about*



et cetera