{May 16, 2012}   Internal guilt

Mother’s Day.

A day that hasn’t been the same for me since 2005

that’s the year a very close friend of mine lost her mother.

and it seems as if every year (or every other year) since then someone else I know and love (friends and family alike) has lost their mom

Most recently,  my favorite painter

I spent half of this year’s Mother’s Day thinking about those two friends of mine.  Thinking about how they’d never again be able to do the very thing I was doing at that moment.  It made me cry

2005 was the year I stopped “publicly” celebrating Mother’s Day. Part of it was a conscious effort while some parts were unconscious. It was the year I stopped posting statuses and pictures leading up to the holiday. It was also the year I unconsciously stopped making Happy Mother’s Day calls to all the mothers I know.

At times I feel guilty that my mom is still here while the moms of people I know and love aren’t. I start internally asking myself questions about what makes me different from them. What is it about me that I got to keep my mom and they didn’t. Or, what is it about them that their mom gets to see God before mine does.

I’m very careful about mentioning  ANYthing regarding my mother to these friends. I feel as though saying anything about her is another reminder to them that theirs is gone.

Last year I lost my cousin.  She was the mother of two. I was visiting with the family and wanted my mom’s attention. I called out “mom” and immediately wanted to kick myself.  How dare I make it known that I still have a mother yet I was there to mourn with two people I love who had just lost theirs.  These were the thoughts running through my head as I grabbed a soda for myself, my mom and aunt.

What do you say to them on Mother’s Day? that they haven’t already heard?

2005 seems like a long time ago and just this past weekend I felt compelled to speak on  these feelings

I know and understand that I have no control over who dies and when. That has never been my job nor will it ever be my job. But,  that doesn’t change my feelings. I am human you know.

I did a video blog about this thinking it would be easier to get my words out that way. Wrong.  I cried through pretty much the entire video.

Will these feelings ever go away? I don’t know, they stay buried in the back of my mind and come to the forefront on Mother’s Day or whenever I hear that someone I know has lost their mother.


My birthday is approaching, slowly but surely. Due to some heartbreaking circumstances I didn’t do very much (read: almost nothing) for my last two birthdays.

This year will be different.

Talking with TwinPisces (who shares a birthday with me, March 8) I decided on how I wanted to celebrate turning 27.

The party dates are March 9-10, 2012. (a Friday and Saturday)

Friday I was going to go to my favorite rapper’s restaurant Straits and end the night with a party in my hotel room. Saturday I said I was going to treat myself to some spa time.

Well, I learned that Luda is closing Straits so that he can open up and focus on Chicken ‘N Beer, his new restaurant located at Hartsfield-Jackson Airport. This sucked b/c I’ve never been to Straits and was banking on going for my birthday.

So of course I had to find an alternate restaurant. I thought of all the restaurants I’ve been to and the ones that really stood out to me. My heart settled on my favorite restaurant, Red Lobster. For some reason (that I don’t understand) the social networking world has deemed RL unworthy. Oh well, I STILL love it and will be dining there for my birthday.

Friday after dinner (exact RL location pending, stay tuned) I will be having a party of sorts in my hotel room (hotel pending, again stay tuned). I’ll only be staying one night at the hotel and on Saturday I’ll be treating myself to some much needed and deserved time at Spa Sydell ( get the picture)

Guidelines (please read and understand each) :

1. EVERYBODY is responsible for their own meal at Red Lobster

2. EVERYBODY is welcome to rent their own hotel room if they’d like b/c NOBODY will be staying the night in mine.

3. Alcohol is welcome at the hotel but since I don’t drink I will not be providing ANY. I will have non-alcoholic drinks available (read: soda and water). However, if you choose to drink YOU are responsible for A) bringing your own alcohol and whatever you’ll need to go with it and B) your OWN way home (so if you need a DD bring them with you or just don’t drink. Or you could rent a room. It REALLY is that simple). If you choose to drink and NOT rent a room your SAFE way home is YOUR responsibility. Your drunk behind will NOT be staying the night with me. I love you but no.

4. If you’d like to join me at the spa you’re more than welcome to. Your treatment is your responsibility though .Go here for their prices.

*I will keep everyone posted about the hotel location so that anyone wanting to rent a room will be able to do so in a timely and hopefully inexpensive fashion.*

Hope to see y’all there!

I got on Twitter during the afternoon the other day and ran right into what I called “rant hour”. These were positive rants though.

One was coming from a high school friend of mine (@tacobellshawty).  If you follow her and are NOT up to date on what’s going on in the world of politics her rant could’ve made you feel like shit. And if it did then her purpose for going in was served.

I know she was stepping on a few toes so I’m SURE there were people in her mentions defending their reasons behind not being into politics/not knowing what’s going on

I don’t have one of those fancy phones that some people use to screencap photos of dumb, funny, grammatically incorrect tweets so I favorited a lot of hers and my friends “copy and paste” will help me put them here for you to see.

*At least one of these tweets made me feel bad (not like shit, I just felt bad after seeing it) but my pride won’t let me fess up about which one it was*

Here they are:

All ur grandparents with ss and fixed income are not protected under Boehen’s plan.

During the time of her rant the POTUS (president of the United States for those of you who didn’t know) was tweeting the twitter handles of the Republican reps for each state.  No, wait, the fact that our POTUS was doing this caused her rant, I’m sorry.

His tweets about the reps in Georgia:

Live in GA? Have a Republican representative? Tweet them and ask them to support a bipartisan compromise to deficit reduction.

Georgia Republican reps on Twitter:@JackKingston(GA-1), @RepWestmoreland (GA-3), @RepTomPrice (GA-6), @AustinScottGA08 (GA-08) #compromise

After this she tweeted each of them individually to let them know that she’s a Ga voter and that she wanted them to support a bipartisan compromise to deficit reduction

Y’all not caring about what’s going on proves that we as young ppl and black ppl are still behind…rap and sports isn’t life

Football filled my timeline yesterday and 90% of you have no idea who your state senators are….that’s sad and ignorant <~ I THINK this was the first tweet of the rant

Y’all talkin bout snap backs, Jordans, an hoes! Fux that shyt!!! Thats not going to secure ur future.

Lower ur head in shame if u can’t name one of your house representatives but know everything about mike vick <~ she actually had a follower admit that this was true for them

Not knowing who your senators are is a sign of stupidity and ignorance and u will always be inferior

Out of all the ppl I follow which is 284 ppl only 15 of y’all follow @barackobama!!! ARE U FUXING SERIOUS! U GUYS ARE PEASANTS!! <~ I am one of those 15 people


Why wouldn’t u want to follow the leader of ur country RT @stella_maris22 what if you know what’s going on but don’t want to follow him? <~ learning that a LOT of people feel this way

This next tweet is in response to a chick saying that not caring about politics doesn’t make her ignorant or stupid

Not being into politics and not knowing what’s going on is the most ignorant statement u can make. U pay taxes!!!!!!

He is still THE LEADER!!!! u still live in this country! RT @stella_maris22 he’s the elected leader but not the one I wanted <~ this made me wonder if this girl actually voted

When u have the power to vote, u have the power to control!!! EXERCISE YOUR POWER!

No one is going to care about u, if u dont care about urself!!!!!!! Not being into politics is not caring about urself.

We as a society are going to get manipulated and bamboozled everyday if u let someone do it. STAND UP!

the electoral college elects the president…. the house of representatives and senators hold the power!! CHECKS N BALANCES!

If the president held the power do u really think these issues would be going on…Barack is fighting for us!!! do u know his policies? 


Y’all hear somebody say Barack ain’t shyt and dick ride it..this man saved the us auto industry..gave ppl insurance until they 26

everybody saying I don’t like Barack, I don’t like politics can’t name 1 policy he is trying to accomplish!! GUESS WHAT!! THEY ALL BENEFIT US!

Barack reformed credit cards, so y’all won’t get bamboozled by these companies, but u don’t care about politics

Barack gave u the ability to be on ur parents’ insurance until u are 26, but u don’t care about politics. How? <~ I’m currently unemployed which equals no insurance and I took advantage of this policy so thank you Pres. O. He’s the reason I got a new eye exam, glasses and contacts

I love how she tweets about him as if they’re old friends

He can’t stick to what he says if he doesn’t have support in the house!! CHECKS N BALANCES IS REAL PPL!! HE CANT DO SHYT WITHOUT UR SAY SO!!

YOUR SAY SO= UR LOCAL GOV’T OFFICIALS THAT SUPPORT HIS POLICIES! <~ to this I say, if you didn’t vote you have NO right to complain about the results of the election

his policies are policies for the little guy!!! if u dont understand this, u need to educate ur self. and fast!!!!

If our grandparents sat down the way that we are sitting down, we would still be under Jim Crow laws.

Mike Vick got his check….when u lose ur job, can’t get food stamps, unemployment, or health care…then u will care…I CARE NOW!

Our great grandparents got they ass beat, they were hung and were treated brutally for us to vote, and U don’t care about politics. How?

It’s real out here folks, u better start caring…ignoring the issues don’t make them disappear. <~ amen to that last part

I just want to slap some sense in y’all..our grandparents fought for us…I will not dishonor their legacy by not caring

If u don’t care about politics u don’t care about ur life. U pay taxes..u don’t care where the money goes? <~ I find it sad how so many tax payers have no idea where their money is going nor do they care

I don’t even have kids and I care more about ur kids education than u. That’s sad. <~ the school systems in Atlanta and surrounding areas are forever on the news about SOMETHING

I can only imagine what her mentions looked like while this was taking place

Hours after her rant I saw a tweet that said the official twitter acct. of our POTUS lost 37,000 followers b/c they felt he was “tweeting too much” today <~ smh

I’ll admit that I don’t talk politics with others that often, if at all, but that in NO way says that I’m not aware of what’s going on. I can also admit that I don’t know THAT much about it but I know enough to where if there is a political discussion I’m participating in my input doesn’t sound as if I have no idea what the hell I’m talking about

For half of the time she was doing this I was laughing.  But that’s b/c I know her in real life and I know how she is. She’s ratchet as all hell (and I love that about her) but when she’s passionate about something and feel others need to at least be aware she’ll let you know. This was one of those cases.

On a serious note though, I hope those who saw her tweets/this blog post will understand the importance of at least knowing what’s going on.  You don’t have to be so deep into politics to where that’s ALL you talk about but at least have an understanding of how the government and its policies will directly benefit you and know that if you feel that they don’t, your right to vote is your chance to speak on it.

{July 9, 2011}   My Laurabug

I’m not even sure where to begin this blog but I guess the right way would be to begin by saying how we met.

During my junior year of high school my JROTC teachers thought enough of me to send me on a National Youth Forum retreat in DC. Here is where I met one of the nicest girls ever. Her name was Laura and she was from New Jersey. We’d been assigned to the same group and our hotel rooms were next to each other. (Boy I wish I knew what I did with the pictures from that trip, I have them somewhere though).

my bug

It was in February, the week of the 22 to be exact. I remember this vividly because that same day my twin god brother and sister were born.

At the end of the forum as we were packing to go back home she and I exchanged addresses, emails and numbers. And we’ve been communicating that way ever since.

Yes, this means that we haven’t seen each other since we first initially met. Can you imagine how many letters, emails and phone calls we’ve exchanged over a 9 year period? A lot, more than a lot actually. We’ve sent pictures of course. She’s gotten taller and has cut her hair but it has since grown back. I’ve cut my hair twice too and it’s growing back.

We’ve been through so much together, drama with family, friends, boys, everything. Some people are shocked that we’ve kept in touch for so long without seeing each other and therefore call us merely pen pals instead of friends. We are SO much more than that though.

I swear she’s the ONE person (outside of God) that REALLY knows how to make me feel better about myself. And she does it as if it’s second nature to her. Even when I feel that NOTHING is going right in my life she’ll send me an email chronicling nothing but good things that I have overlooked.

She’s part of the reason me and someone else are still friends because when I thought I’d had enough and was ready to let go she told me how much I’d benefit if I stuck it out and held on. I did and she was right.

She’s been in med school for what seems like forever but she graduated recently and is a now a doctor.

my med school graduate

Even though she just recently graduated I’ve been asking her about certain medical issues since she first got to med school. She helped to educate me when my family first learned that my great-grandmother had Alzheimer’s disease.

She’s been everywhere doing research, working in hospitals, etc and I’m so happy for her.

teaching in Peru

in Australia

Abel Tasman hike in New Zealand

I remember when she first told me that she was going to Johns Hopkins University. My first thought was Dr. Ben Carson and I spoke with her about him. Told her how I came to know of him. I believe I sent her a copy of the tv movie that was made about his life. The then Baltimore Ravens coach Brian Billick spoke at her graduation from JHU and then she went on to the University of Chicago for medical school. She’d sent me an email and was excited to tell me about the speaker b/c she knows I’m a huge Ravens fan.

For my 21st birthday she sent me a box full of little things that kids play with to remind me that just because I was getting older didn’t mean I still couldn’t have fun. Included was Play-Doh, a miniature slinky, one of those little bendable stick people, a squishy ball and more. She also sent me 3 shot glasses that had her Frisbee team’s logo on it. Unfortunately 2 of them got broken (not by me) but that third one has been put away, never to be used. Other than the two broken shot glasses, that I’m still upset about, I still have everything from that box.

She once sent me an email saying that she’d heard about bad flooding outside of Atlanta and was checking to make sure that my family and I were safe. We were. Not too long after that,  I’d heard about bad shootings in Baltimore and realized that they weren’t too far from the hospital she was working at. So of course I returned the check-in/are you safe email. She was and was taking precautions to keep it that way.

I love her with all my heart and would do anything for her. She’s been a wonderful friend to me and she says that I’ve been a great friend to her too. I hope so.

A few Fridays ago I was able to mark off an item on my Bucket List. There isn’t much on this list but having a photo shoot done was definitely on it.

My friend Kenneth Cummings, who I call Blu, ( is a photo journalist who was in town for the weekend.

He agreed to photograph me and I’m so happy about how the pictures came out. I loved every minute of it and Blu can now attest to how goofy I really am.

my "natural laughter"

I became the first person Blu tried his Double Take effect on other than himself. I love the way these came out

the double take

He did a few more shots of me in one of my favorite SYM1DidIt ( shirts


looking at these pictures and thinking back on the things he was saying to me to get me to make certain faces makes me laugh


you don't want to know what he said that resulted in this face


closeup of my "signature" facial expression


I really like this one

the few words that resulted in this face *see below* always make me smile

can't describe this face but I know what brings it on

I’ve never once dreamed of being a model but I have thought once or twice about having my picture taken professionally. And I do NOT count those picture shops in the malls as “professional”.. lol

So to be able to do this, with a trusted friend, meant a lot to me.

Thank You  Blu!!!

{June 12, 2011}   I’m Humbled

By all the love I’ve been getting on my writing.

The fact that I have friends who want to see my work make it into a book was just, I had no words and to top that I have a friend who wants to turn some of my work into short films.

I was rendered speechless. It’s not that I didn’t think my work was good enough, it’s just that I didn’t know other people saw what I do in my writing.

I’m really starting to feel like a real writer despite the struggles I’ve been having to get certain people to read them but I’m over that now. The love I’ve been getting outweighs that struggle.

I feel bad that I can’t exactly remember who read my first story. It’s titled Dreams Do Come True and it came from a dream I had. I woke up with the urge to write about it and since I couldn’t remember all the details I fantasized about the rest of it and it became a story. It was my first sex related story.

Another story came from me glancing at the BKS’s avatar and noticed that he was wearing a tie and came up with Fun on the Job

The first time my stories were referred to as erotic (by someone who’d seen a story via 2tastytongues) I smiled and then a friend of mine called them soft porn. That made me smile but it also made me wonder how people would take my stories being written by a virgin. Would they think a virgin is equipped to write such stories. Oh well if they don’t. I know where the ideas come from and it has nothing to do with whether or not someone has been between my legs

I feel as if I can’t say thank you enough to those who do enjoy reading my stories but please know I’m deeply grateful and all the love and feedback is very appreciated

this is a good read

I’m not that big on friends trying to hook me up with either one of their friends or a mutual friend (the mutual friend is the WCS in my book)

for one, if I say no things will be awkward the next time the three of us are in the same social setting

two, say we do hook up but things don’t work out-what happens then?

three, the friend who did the “hooking” SOMETIMES feels obligated to be IN the relationship

threeA-along with that obligation, they also often feel the need to occasionally remind us of how we got together

I’d rather get with your friend (or our friend) on MY time and at MY pace if I so choose.

and maybe it’s just me (most times it is) but if said friend is interested in me, why can’t said friend ask me himself? Yes, he may need you to find out some things about me (am I single/looking/attached, am I crazy, etc) but once he’s so called free and clear to at least ask me out, why is the middle man needed*

In other words, he’s met me more than once, all the questions he’d need answers to prior to asking me out were answered on those occasions, all he has to do now is open his mouth and ask

*I realize that there are certain cases where a middle man is needed, however I don’t feel as if this is one of those cases

et cetera