{May 16, 2012}   Internal guilt

Mother’s Day.

A day that hasn’t been the same for me since 2005

that’s the year a very close friend of mine lost her mother.

and it seems as if every year (or every other year) since then someone else I know and love (friends and family alike) has lost their mom

Most recently,  my favorite painter

I spent half of this year’s Mother’s Day thinking about those two friends of mine.  Thinking about how they’d never again be able to do the very thing I was doing at that moment.  It made me cry

2005 was the year I stopped “publicly” celebrating Mother’s Day. Part of it was a conscious effort while some parts were unconscious. It was the year I stopped posting statuses and pictures leading up to the holiday. It was also the year I unconsciously stopped making Happy Mother’s Day calls to all the mothers I know.

At times I feel guilty that my mom is still here while the moms of people I know and love aren’t. I start internally asking myself questions about what makes me different from them. What is it about me that I got to keep my mom and they didn’t. Or, what is it about them that their mom gets to see God before mine does.

I’m very careful about mentioning  ANYthing regarding my mother to these friends. I feel as though saying anything about her is another reminder to them that theirs is gone.

Last year I lost my cousin.  She was the mother of two. I was visiting with the family and wanted my mom’s attention. I called out “mom” and immediately wanted to kick myself.  How dare I make it known that I still have a mother yet I was there to mourn with two people I love who had just lost theirs.  These were the thoughts running through my head as I grabbed a soda for myself, my mom and aunt.

What do you say to them on Mother’s Day? that they haven’t already heard?

2005 seems like a long time ago and just this past weekend I felt compelled to speak on  these feelings

I know and understand that I have no control over who dies and when. That has never been my job nor will it ever be my job. But,  that doesn’t change my feelings. I am human you know.

I did a video blog about this thinking it would be easier to get my words out that way. Wrong.  I cried through pretty much the entire video.

Will these feelings ever go away? I don’t know, they stay buried in the back of my mind and come to the forefront on Mother’s Day or whenever I hear that someone I know has lost their mother.


{May 1, 2012}   The Compromise

They had the whole world thinking they had a friendship that one would envy but deep down they hated each other

Anytime there would be a group gathering they’d each inquire about whether or not the other would be there and decide not to show up

Finally, their mutual friends and co-workers caught on to their scheme

They both ended up at the Halloween party, wearing matching costumes

Their costumes?

He a slice of bread, she a jar of grape jelly

Laughs were had by all, even them. At first.

Until they realized who was in the costume that matched their own.

They met in the hall way, fuming

An argument was had as each of them accused the other of not inquiring about what the other’s costume would be and acting accordingly

Ten minutes later, after they realized their argument was pointless and going nowhere, they start laughing

and laughing turned into one passionate kiss

which then turned into them taking their costumes off

they found the nearest bathroom and left their costumes in the hallway

Co-workers and mutual friends began to notice that they both were gone and went searching for them

After finding their costumes sprawled on the floor they stopped to listen to the sounds coming from the bathroom a few feet away

they all laughed and went back to enjoy their drinks


et cetera