{June 29, 2011}   Settling in a relationship

TP (TwinPisces) sent me an email with the following question(s):

Is there a thin line between settling and being flexible/realistic? What is settling?

My answer was:

I think that to a woman who’s unsure of what she wants there’s a thin line between the two. But to a woman like you or me, there’s a solid difference between settling and being flexible

to me, settling is being with someone just to say you have someone. It’s lowering your standards because you’re either tired of looking or you’re not sure how to change the results you’re getting in the dating pool and you feel that what you’ve found is all there is out there

being flexible is being with someone who may not have all the qualities you’re looking for but they have most of them. It’s learning to live with the little things (like he leaves his socks on the floor, something minor like that) because the big things are way more important. He may need a reminder to start the dishwasher but the trash is always taken out, he cooks on occasion, he’s working, providing for himself (and you) and a bunch of other stuff that REALLY matters.

A woman will take a man in, do everything for him just to be able to brag to her single friends that she’s with someone. the only time a man will take care of a woman in a similar manner is if that’s his wife.

I do believe that women settle more than men do though. Men grow on women, but if a man isn’t interested in you in the least bit, there’s pretty much nothing you can do to change that. Yeah, he may date you b/c the sex is good but everything else you’re NOT doing is going to outweigh the good sex and he’ll leave.

I asked a male friend of mine what his take on settling was and this is what he said: I think especially black women are forced to settle more than men simple because of the numbers game and the fact black men aren’t where we need to be mentally. We all should be flexible b/c nobody is perfect. 

TP also asked me to make a small list of what matters and what doesn’t. I did

Would you rather nag your man about leaving the toilet seat up (when you can spend less than 10 secs putting it back down) or be happy he cleans the entire bathroom every week?

Would you rather nag him because he constantly watches porn on the Internet or be happy his income (combined with yours) is able to pay the bills, one of which allows you Internet access?

Would you rather nag him because he forgot your birthday or appreciate the “just because it’s *insert any given day of the week* flowers on rare occasions?

Which is more important to you? His imprint on a church pew or the fact that he knows (trusts and believes) that whoever he prays to will be with him through ALL things, good and bad?

Which is more important? Him driving a fancy car or the fact that when you hear a funny noise in your own car he either knows what it is and how to fix it or takes it to the mechanic for you?

Like my friend said, nobody is perfect so figure out which of your “must haves” for a mate you can live with and the ones you can live without. Also, keep in mind that someone out there will be doing the same for you.


{June 23, 2011}   Coontastic is what I am

“you listen to a lot of coon tunes Ash”

A tweet to me from a friend the other day after my excitement about Jeezy doing a video for his song “Ballin’ “ off his new mixtape. I love that song but I had already dreamt what the “Broads” video would be like.

That tweet got me thinking though…do I really listen to that much coon music aka music that’s out of my character? Yes, I do and I love it.

I actually sat down and did an inventory of sorts of all the “Ashley I can’t believe you of all people listen to/like that song” songs I have in my music library.

These songs include but aren’t limited to:

–        Gucci’s So Icy

–       Memphis Bleek’s Round Here

–       8Ball and MJG’s Comin’ Out Hard (yes, the whole album)

–       Master P’s Bourbons and ‘Lacs

–       Gorilla Zoe’s Lost

–       Ruff Ryders’ Down Bottom

–       Big Tymers’s Oh Yeah

–      DRS’s Gangsta Lean

–       The Luniz’s I Got Five On It

–       Drunken Master’s 50 Niggas Deep (and I know quite a few niggas who this song applies to)

–       Tela’s Sho’ Nuff

–       The Game’s One Blood

–       Do or Die’s Po Pimp

–       Pastor Troy’s Dope Boy

–       Boyz in Da Hood’s Dem Boyz

–       Jim Jones’s Don’t Push Me Away

–       Rick Ross’s Blow

–       Cam’ Ron and Kanye’s Down and Out

–       Countless T.I. songs (I swear TI mentions my friend’s name in You Don’t Know Me)

–       Countless Jeezy songs


I also love the songs where there’s like a thousand rappers on it. Besides the beat, which I love, I enjoy hearing the different styles of these rappers come together over one beat. It’s nice to hear a New York rapper followed by one from the deep south and then one from some other state

Some of my favorite collaborations are

-the remix to TI’s Top Back (Jeezy’s verse on that is my favorite)

-the original and remix to DJ Khaled’s I’m So Hood (these two exemplify what I mean about the different styles coming together)

– the remix to Jim Jones’s We Fly High (the order in which they rap was best, in my opinion)

With all of these songs one would wonder how Luda, a rapper who some people deem “soft”, holds the number one spot (pun intended). It’s his vocal dynamism that I love so, that’s what keeps him at numb. one.

This all started when I used to ride with my brother to school. He was always playing the whole Coming Out Hard album and I grew to love it. It’s actually my favorite non-Luda rap album. This is also when I heard and loved Master P’s Ghetto D and Juvenile’s 400 Degreez. He also played for me Lil Wayne’s I Feel Like Dying and that is one of my favorite Weezy songs.

My love for songs of this nature escalated when I went to GSW. This is where I met most of my weed head/alcoholic friends.

If you know me more than likely you’re aware of my sheltered upbringing. I was raised in the church and we all know the stereotypes associated with women raised in the church. You’re probably also aware of how most of the people I associate with smoke weed and are forever getting drunk. So to hear that I love these songs is surprising to some people.

I’m attracted to what I like to call the “educated thug”. In the words of Kelly Rowland “a rude boy that’s good to me with street creditability”.  Weed heads and alchys fascinate me on some odd and probably weird level that I can’t explain.

Most of the time when I listen to “coontastic” songs I don’t exactly understand the metaphors in them. I don’t always ask, mainly because it doesn’t matter, but I know that I can go to my friends and they’ll explain a lyric to me. I remember when I first learned what Camillionaire meant by “Ridin’ Dirty”. I laughed b/c I was told “you do it all the time”.

However, when I do understand a metaphor on my own a big smile forms on my face.

This was my attempt to explain my random tweets of rap lyrics from such songs. To really know me is to fully understand my love for these songs.

Jagged Edge dropped a new album yesterday titled “The Remedy”

I found this out via Twitter. I’m not sure what/who promotes JE but the only album buzz I’ve been hearing lately was from Jill Scott’s camp because her album also dropped on yesterday.

I went to to sample the tracks. After hearing a few of them I realized I needed to check YouTube to see if anybody (maybe even JE themselves) had posted full versions of any of the songs.

They had. So I listened and it’s a good album. I love “Baby”, “When the Bed Shakes”,  “Mr. Wrong” and others

JE also has put out two videos from this album. For their “Baby” and “Flow Through My Veins” tracks. and I’m guessing these two will dropped as singles

these videos can be seen via their official YouTube page (TheOfficialJE)

Here is the video for “Flow Through My Veins”

Take a listen and enjoy. I did

{June 14, 2011}   An update on my weight

My mama finally asked me what sparked this new eating and exercise regimen I’ve been on. She was SURE I was going to say something about what a friend or whoever told me.


It was this video

It came across my Tumblr dashboard and I watched with about 3 cookies in my hand. I put the cookies down b/c I was ashamed that she could do that and I couldn’t.  She’s in better shape than I am. I mean I can hold up my weight, fairly well I might add, but I’m not sure if I can hang upside down on a pole by my ankles (I’d love to try it one day though.) I’m sure she’s probably healthier than I am too.

I watched this video like 5 times. I have got to try this.  I want to get my body in whatever shape it needs to be in to do that with the ease that she does.

the only thing she did that I can do is stand on my head. I can’t even do a split anymore.

That is the biggest reason I started this whole thing. Another reason was that I wanted to get some sort of exercising into my schedule no matter how light it may be

My weight is still rapidly dropping. Two days ago the scale said 101lbs and I got kind of excited. That is, until I got on it late last night and it said 99lbs.

I have a pair of capri pants that were bought for me when I was in 10th grade. Never knew why I didn’t wear them back then but I kept them b/c they’re so cute. they fit perfectly now.

there’s a pair of jeans in my closet that are a size 1 that I haven’t been able to fit into since 2004, they fit again (yay!!).

I had to reassure my parents that I wasn’t doing this so that I could be super skinny.  and I’m really not.

I keep at it b/c it’s a great feeling to eat “right” and exercise. also, I’m excited that I came up with an exercise plan on my own and it works.


{June 13, 2011}   Weight Loss (for me)
I realize that I’m the type that can eat a lot  and not gain weight.
However, that doesn’t give me the right to continue to abuse this trait. I reluctantly agreed that this “eat whatever I want and not gain weight” thing may not last once I either enter my 30s or give birth
I am more than fairly small for my age, hell my almost 12yo nephew weighs more than I do. but at the same time I’m not in the best shape and I could stand to be healthier. being thin/small does NOT equal healthy or in shape.
So, I came up with a plan of sorts.
I no longer eat after 6:30pm unless I’m out somewhere and even then it’s something light. When I’m home which is almost all the time, if I get hungry at night I eat either some fruit or pop a bowl of popcorn. I also walk the back part of my neighborhood in the evenings.
it’s not much but it’s better than what I was doing a month ago which was no matter what time it was if I was hungry I ate whatever I wanted.
With this new plan came rapid and unexpected weight loss. and when I say rapid I mean so fast I actually had to stop with the neighborhood walks b/c the pounds were dropping way too fast

see? and that picture was taken about 2 weeks ago. I have since picked up my walking and 3lbs! But just as quickly as those 3lbs came, they left again. :0(

I’ve also noticed that some of my clothes have gotten a bit too big now. I have 3 or 4 pairs of jeans that used to fit just right around the waist but now, the smallest thing being put in my back pocket (i.e. my cell phone, keys) makes them fall down. and my pj’s are starting to fall off my hips too. you may laugh (and I did too at first) but it’s kind of sad when you think about it.

I did NOT plan on this happening, like I don’t pride myself on being under 100lbs. Actually the weight range that makes me comfortable is between 103lbs and 106lbs.

I’d like to think I’m in better shape. and with changing my eating times I’ve slightly altered WHAT I eat.  I eat more salads and I’m SLOWLY getting away from burgers. Don’t worry though, my love for french fries isn’t going anywhere.  I was never really a junk food/sweets person but I will have the occasional brownie or cupcake. I’ve unconsciously stopped eating fish and I’m not even sure why that is, I just stopped. I also eat even more fruit than I used to.

I have always said that diets aren’t for everybody (and neither are gym memberships) and that people could possibly lose weight with their own plans if they’re serious about it and keep at it.

It works for me (a little too well actually) so I think that someone making and keeping with their own weight loss plan could work for them too

{June 12, 2011}   Prayer

I’ve been told all my life that when you pray for something you have to have faith that God is going to work it out for you. Well, as a child I didn’t know that meant that the answer from God wouldn’t come within a week after me saying said prayer. Back then I also didn’t know that God’s answer wouldn’t always be what I wanted it to be.

But I grew up and my faith got stronger. I now know that God’s answer can be in the form of telling you “No” because He has something better in store for you, it can be in the form of you having to wait for what you asked for, etc. Having to wait doesn’t mean you just sit there waiting on the day God answers your prayer. God making you “wait” is really Him preparing you for what you asked for.

He’s preparing me now for something I asked for.

True story

I asked God for something I thought I wanted so badly. I prayed and prayed for this thing not realizing that God was telling me “no” in ways other than Him just flat out saying “No, Ashley, this isn’t for you”. His “No” meant he had something better for me (and He did). He was also preparing me to be ready for that “something better”.

And for that I’m SO thankful.

{June 12, 2011}   I’m Humbled

By all the love I’ve been getting on my writing.

The fact that I have friends who want to see my work make it into a book was just, I had no words and to top that I have a friend who wants to turn some of my work into short films.

I was rendered speechless. It’s not that I didn’t think my work was good enough, it’s just that I didn’t know other people saw what I do in my writing.

I’m really starting to feel like a real writer despite the struggles I’ve been having to get certain people to read them but I’m over that now. The love I’ve been getting outweighs that struggle.

I feel bad that I can’t exactly remember who read my first story. It’s titled Dreams Do Come True and it came from a dream I had. I woke up with the urge to write about it and since I couldn’t remember all the details I fantasized about the rest of it and it became a story. It was my first sex related story.

Another story came from me glancing at the BKS’s avatar and noticed that he was wearing a tie and came up with Fun on the Job

The first time my stories were referred to as erotic (by someone who’d seen a story via 2tastytongues) I smiled and then a friend of mine called them soft porn. That made me smile but it also made me wonder how people would take my stories being written by a virgin. Would they think a virgin is equipped to write such stories. Oh well if they don’t. I know where the ideas come from and it has nothing to do with whether or not someone has been between my legs

I feel as if I can’t say thank you enough to those who do enjoy reading my stories but please know I’m deeply grateful and all the love and feedback is very appreciated

this is a good read

{June 12, 2011}   A story for my grandchildren

Back when I was a student at GSW I had roommate problems. Not my fault though

I went to Macon with my roommate and some of her friends for a dress for the Blue and White Ball. Well, since I used to attend Mercer (in Macon) I’m really good friends with some of the Alphas (well they’ve graduated since then). Such good friends that I had an open invitation to the Alpha house (which eventually led to a few people calling me a hoe, another story)

The day we went to get the dress was the same day they were throwing a party. I went and took the other girls with me. I was comfortable in that setting b/c they knew me and knew me well. Once we got in me and the girls separated. I spoke to those in the house I knew, put up my coat, and went straight to the fridge for a non-alcoholic drink. I also set my camera (that had my name on it) down on one of the coffee tables.

Long story short, the 3 girls that came with me lied to everybody there and said they were greek (two Deltas and one AKA). My Alpha friends figured they were lying (the two fake Deltas turned down an offer to go to the Delta house that was nearby). Pictures of these fakes throwing up the hand signs were taken on my camera unbeknownst to me (at the time).

We went back to Americus that night and things would never be the same. The next day a few of my Alpha buddies were calling/texting me about the so-called greeks that I brought to their party. I told them that I didn’t and that they’d been lied to.

Two days later the girls came to me asking if I’d developed the pics. I hadn’t yet but told them that I would that day. Another friend went and got my pics developed for me. I didn’t go with her so I figured that what she gave me was all that came out. I showed the three girls the pics and they kept asking me if that was it. I said yes b/c I didn’t know any better.

A few of my Alpha buddies ended up coming to the Blue and White Ball. and paid the 3 girls NO attention but showed me love. This didn’t sit well with the girls so they started rumors about me, calling me all kinds of names and said that the Alphas had ran a train on me.

The next day I see pics of them throwing up the greek signs ALL over campus (on the dorm doors, doors to each bldg. everywhere). Naturally I was confronted but I knew nothing of these pics. Eventually I found out that the person who developed my pics kept those for a rainy day. She copied them, posted them around campus and even emailed them out to her greek friends at schools all over the south region colleges.

Things got worse for me. My towel got snatched while I was showering, water was poured under my door in the hopes that I’d slip while entering or exiting. A sign that said ” a greek groupie stays here” was put on my door. they even wrote on my best friend’s message board “your friend is a greek groupie” and every time I passed either of these 3 girls they called me a bitch under the breath.

I had to get a new roommate b/c my RA was afraid things would get worse. They didn’t and my best friend put a stop to the name calling.

This made me so upset that I was calling my Alpha friends begging them to come get me on the weekends b/c I wanted off that campus. Very few ppl believed that I had nothing to do with that b/c the camera those pics came off of had my name on it.

It was horrible. and yes, I still have the negatives somewhere in my room.

{June 11, 2011}   You Don’t Deserve My Tears

I guess that’s why they ain’t there

and some other lyrics in Beyonce’s Best Thing I Never Had I can relate to.

it’s really the only reason I like the song

the blue boy (what I’m calling him b/c he’s a Sigma) turned out to be the best thing I never had. Because had I gotten him we’d probably have been broken up not too long after I got fired because he was using me for my money.

I thought I loved him but I didn’t, I loved the way he looked and by that I mean he has a really handsome face. but I realized that I could never love his personality and the way he treated me.

More than happy we never dated. When I got over him I was a bit shocked I didn’t cry about it but then I realized that he wasn’t worth my tears (and I know that sounds cliche’ but still it’s true)

Needless to say, other than us being friends, everything that has happened to me where the BKS is concerned never would’ve happened had me and blue boy been together so me not getting him was a blessing in disguise.

He never once apologized and had the audacity to tell me late last year that had I given him a chance he’d have tried to devirginize me. Really? b/c I gave him PLENTY of unintentional opportunities, ask any of my close friends.

Oh well now, he will have to just join in with two or three other guys with their hopes that the BKS is willing to dish (he won’t dish though).

et cetera